| Language Barriers Between Men and Women More Commonly As, What Did You Say? by Kristen Houghton |
It should come as no real surprise that, while men and women technically speak the same
language, modern science has determined that, there is a possibility they are speaking two
totally different ones.
Having done expensive, exhaustive studies on the subject, the linguistics authorities of a
major university had difficulty finding a reason for this phenomenon. They interviewed
thousands of men and women trying to find the reason for the all the misunderstandings
between the sexes. What could be causing such incomprehension?
Volunteers were given tests on hearing and speaking and, after finding no physical reason for
the amount of miscommunication between couples, researchers were stumped.
Communication was so bad that scientists determined it was almost as if the male and female
were speaking two totally different languages. It was a virtual UN meeting between them but
without the help of qualified interpreters. They labeled it some long scientific name like:
“Sub-Lingual Variations of Similar Speaking Persons Using Same Language Differentiations in
Lingual/Aural Communication.”
This is known in layman’s terms as: “What Did You Say?!”
I disagree with the study’s findings. It’s not different languages we speak; its different
languages we hear. If they had asked me in the first place, I could have saved them a lot of
time and money. Once married, I think people develop the “I heard-what-you-said-but-I-know-
what-you really-meant-to-say” syndrome.
A few scenarios of this phenomenon-
Scene one:
He is sitting in the living room relaxing, channel-surfing. I glance at the TV and see a commercial
which reminds me of something we have to discuss.
I say:
“Honey? Can we sit down and talk later? It’s important.”
He hears:
“You did something really idiotic and stupid! I have to tell you how I feel. I will talk for hours
and you will probably miss that important game on TV.
That I only wanted to talk about where he wants to go sightseeing on our vacation never
enters his mind. He tries hard not to be available later, pretending he has “all this yard work”
that absolutely can’t wait.
“My God, honey, the yard looks like hell! What will the neighbors think?”
He’ll then suggest we talk tomorrow which I will interpret as his not really wanting to go on
the vacation we had planned. And a fight ensues as I tell him I don’t really give a damn what
the neighbors think! They should mind their own business and take care of their own messy
yards!
See how it works? Exact same language, different interpretation.
Scene two:
My stomach has been killing me because of the jalapeño peppers I had with dinner three nights
ago. I have spent two days popping antacids and drinking seltzer. On the third day I am feeling
better and we are taking a ride. I notice a banner advertising a soon-to-be-held local feast and I
mention it to him in passing.
He says:
“You just got over being really sick! Now you’re thinking of putting greasy food in your
stomach?”
I hear:
“You don’t need to eat fattening foods if you actually want to fit into that slinky dress you
bought for that wedding next month.”
“I don’t eat greasy foods,” I say.
“What about the sausage and pepper sandwiches you always get at the feasts?”
“You get them,” I point out. “I only take a couple of bites of yours.”
“Well, okay, but a bite’s a bite,” he says. “Remember your stomach.”
“You think my stomach’s fat?”
“No, of course not! Did I say the word “fat?”
“You implied it!”
“Wait a minute, did you actually hear me say the words ‘fat and stomach’ together in the
same sentence?”
“Well, no, but ..”
“You’re assuming.”
I make a mental note to check out the South Beach diet tomorrow. Damn!
Scene three:
I come into the kitchen and find that one of the cats has found a cricket in the basement and
lovingly deposited it on the counter as a present for me. I assume it is no longer a live cricket
and go to brush it into a paper towel for outside disposal. It suddenly jumps! I scream and he
comes running downstairs from our bedroom.
“What’s the matter? What happened? Are you okay?”
“That,” I say, pointing at the prancing bug.
“That? It’s a cricket, for God’s sake. You screamed over a cricket? I almost broke my leg
running downstairs for a lousy cricket?!”
“Can you put it outside for me, please, please, please?”
He picks it up gingerly and, to my eyes, very grudgingly.
He says:
“Jeez it’s only a cricket. C’mon Jiminy, let’s not frighten the lady now.”
I hear:
“God! Is she a wuss!!”
Scene four:
He has a miserable cold and a fever. I make him chicken soup and bring him bowl after bowl of it
along with glasses of ginger ale. I keep the stereo on low and turn off the phone in the
bedroom. I have been up and down the stairs all day at his slightest whim. At seven o’clock I
go to vege-out by watching “Jeopardy” in my tiny home office so as not to disturb him. He
sleepily asks where I am.
I say, trying to sound cheery and ready and willing to run up the stairs once again:
“I’m watching Jeopardy. I’ll be upstairs in a few minutes, love!”
He hears:
“Please! Give me a damn break already! Stop being such a big baby, it’s only a cold.”
See? Selective hearing.
Occasionally there is a language breakthrough in communication between the spouses. What
he says and what you hear has the same exact meaning. It doesn’t happen all the time, but
often enough to help the species survive. Maybe we can actually be cured of this hearing
problem.
But, then again, maybe not. I personally feel a relapse coming on.
Just now he said there’s a new cardio-aerobics class that’s opening up next week at the gym.
He asked me if I was interested in joining it with him. That, however, is not what I heard.
I heard:
“I think you really need to get in shape! Beach time is just around the corner! Remember
that new bikini you wanted to buy?”
***
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This material was written by Kristen Houghton and may not be
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Copyright covers all material written by the author under the
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