No, Michelle, you're not.

There is a fantastic scene in the movie Mildred Pierce. Joan Crawford, as the title character, won a well-deserved Oscar for her portrayal of the loving mother who has worked and sacrificed all her life for her self-centered daughter, Vida. Finally, the daughter asks her mother to make the ultimate sacrifice. Vida has just committed murder and begs mommy Mildred to take the blame for it!

In this poignant scene, which more than likely clinched the gold statuette for Ms. Crawford, her character, Mildred, goes to the police station to confess "her" crime and make one more "loving maternal sacrifice" for her selfish, conniving daughter. It is high drama indeed.

I first saw this movie on TV one rainy summer day with my cousin. We were both thirteen years old. During the movie, my cousin turned to me and said, "Wow, what a great mom! She'll do anything for her kid!"

I, on the other hand, thought she did way too much for that brat, Vida!

The word "Mom" shouldn't be synonymous with the word sacrifice, yet that is a common modern connection. If you think of terms such as sports mom, class mom, stay-at-home-mom -- all exalt motherhood, but all extol some type of sacrifice. You're Brittany's mom, Brandon's mother, the twins' mommy. Your name gets lost in the shuffle.

Motherhood should never be a case of "self-identity" theft. You need to make the right choices that will ensure a normal and respectful relationship between you and your children. Learn how to enhance your children's lives without neglecting your own. There are ways to be a good parent without neglecting your own needs, wants, and goals.

Your life, Their Lives: Successfully Combining Parenthood with a Personal Life

In the same way you need a balanced diet to be physically healthy, you need balance in your life to remain emotionally healthy. Being totally committed to any one thing or person is draining. Your life should be made up of different sections. Understand that family and relationships, though very important, are just one part of your life. Life changes, children grow up, people come and go. You are the one constant in your world.

Respect your own talents and gifts

Reserve an area of your life that is just for your personal growth as a person. Whether that includes a career choice, a career change or a passionate hobby is up to you. Growth as an individual is a necessary ingredient in being a whole person. Care for yourself and respect what is important to you. This is not a selfish act. There is great value in respecting yourself and seeing your life as important.

Don't bask in reflected glory; be your own brilliant sun.

Wanting your happiness to come through your children and their achievements is selfish and a waste of your own talents and gifts. Applaud what your family members achieve but don't forget to be just as appreciative when you excel at something. Don't diminish what you can do.

Teach your children that you matter.

Children learn much from their parents. Having them see you as a person other than Mom is good for them. Allow them to see you as a talented, interesting person with a life separate from theirs. With this type of role model, your children will become adults with a strong sense of self.

You have a responsibility to yourself as well as your child.

If you do decide to become a parent, you do have a responsibility to provide your child with a healthy, safe, loving and protected life. But that parental responsibility does not mean that you cease to exist as a person. You owe it to yourself to plan for the day when your children will be on their own. The empty-nest syndrome felt by past generations needn't be the traumatic experience it once was thought to be. Women in their forties, fifties and older are still vital and productive when their children leave the nest. The new chapter of their lives should be exciting and fulfilling. A whole new world awaits.

Reclaim Your Identity

You had a life before you became a mother; you need to refer to yourself, and more importantly see yourself, as more than someone's mom. Living your own life is the best gift you can give to others. Does that advice sound strange? It isn't. Being the sacrificial lamb in the hope that others will love, appreciate, and be eternally grateful to you doesn't work. They won't.

If you dedicate your life to providing solely for the wants of others, you will do yourself a great disservice. You will never have this minute, this hour, this day, this week, this month, this year of your life again. You deserve to have a fulfilling life, too.

Never live through the achievements of others. Have your own dreams and your own chances for success. Be your own example of actually living well. Explore your own talents. Become an accomplished person others can admire. The truth is that by taking care of yourself and doing what gives you pleasure, you lead a more satisfying life. You then have more to give to another person.

Don't just let your life slip by while you talk about and praise other people's accomplishments. Be the one others talk about and praise!

© 2012 copyright Kristen Houghton

So as the year 2012 is about to begin, that marvelous, unchartered new year where we have so many things we hope to accomplish, there are those who feel that my telling people to be selfish may seem to be the wrong advice to give.

Selfish? We should be helping others and making the world a better place, right? Yes, absolutely, but, the truth is that by being selfish you can eventually do more to help others. Face it; if you’re in a good place with your own life, you are in a better emotional and physical position to be helpful to others.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie certainly have not given up their goals or their dreams of achieving what makes them fulfilled artistically. But, because of their success they are able to be great philanthropists. Other examples of people who have put their own lives first are Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey; successful at what they wanted to do, pursuing the life they wanted, and finally in a position to do much good. Doing what is best for you is often one of the best things that you can do for others.  Everyone you meet stands to benefit from your positive energy when you’re at you are satisfied with your own achievements.  What appears to be a selfish act may truly be unbelievably unselfish at its core.

Practicing good selfishness, what I call positive selfishness or self-ness is a necessity to making your life happy and complete. Artists, writers, actors, composers and those successful in business; all have had to be selfish at some point to pursue their dreams and succeed. Why is it seen as selfish and wrong when you want to do something that is important for you?

Writing and getting my second book No Woman Diets Alone - There's Always a Man Behind Her Eating a Doughnut published, was good selfishness on my part because it fulfilled my writer's drive. Fulfilling that need made me a happier, more-giving person because I hadn't placed my own goal last. Certainly there is a need to satisfy yourself; if you don't take the initiative to follow a course that is important for your happiness, who will do it for you? Be satisfied to satisfy yourself first and you will have made a positive, sometimes life-changing, decision.

Maybe there is a need to define what you are doing when you put your own life first. You are being nurturing and supportive of the one person who is most in need and that person is you. At its very core, selfishness is a survival skill, physically, emotionally, and mentally. You need that spark of selfishness that puts your life at the forefront.

Good selfishness is a virtue. When you put everyone and everything in your life ahead of what you want, you are being let down by the only person who knows what’s really best for you: yourself.  You are doing yourself a disservice by ignoring or endlessly postponing what you really want.

Practicing positive selfishness doesn’t mean you don’t care for others. It simply means you make time and space in your life to care for yourself first. Ultimately, that will make you and those you love happier and healthier.

This 2012, put your own life first and practice positive selfishness. Make it a wonderful and wonder-filled year!

Everywhere I am, it is rare for me not to see someone without a contact device. I am as guilty as anyone else; I was always connected. But a chance remark by my book editor, Ellen Urban, made me stop and think about how I was allowing myself to be a 'prisoner' of all-day technology, every day.

Mentioning that I was going on vacation, I also told her that she could reach me at any time she needed to do so. I would be available through my BlackBerry and my laptop. No problem, I said. Contact me whenever you need me.

The response, coming from a woman who is excellent at what she does and always goes "above and beyond" for her authors, surprised me:

"Oh no," Ellen said, "Take time to enjoy yourself. For me vacations are sacrosanct!"

I took her statement to heart and, as hard as it was for me during the first two days of vacation, I broke the invisible chain to my computer and cell phone. In following her advice, I recharged my life for over two weeks. The unplug and recharge feeling was so good I determined to make it a part of my life after vacation was over. One day a week I step away from techno-overload, replug, recharge and discover life.

Happiness Key: Money can buy happiness...in a way

I love the saying that goes: "If you don't believe that money can buy you happiness, you don't know where to shop."  

Believe it or not there's more truth in that statement than you know.

Money is not necessarily evil when used in the right way to help you achieve happiness. If you see money as a means to buy you intangibles rather than possessions, then you're  'knowing where to shop.' Here's what I mean. Money used to enhance your life, such as helping you to start a longed-for business or enabling you to finance a career change is money spent on happiness. You have become your own patron of the arts. It is a good thing that you are doing for yourself. You are practicing self-ness and nurturing a dream or goal. That is using money to make your life a priority. In this way, money can indeed buy the ingredients for happiness.

Classic Facebook, Twitter, and all other social networking pages always ask a variation of the question, 
'What are you doing?' along with a space for updates on your life at the moment. It's fun and interesting to  write what you're doing and to read what others are up to as well. I love the social networking sites for keeping up with friends and family.

But the true question of what do you plan to do with your life is a crucial one for many of us. A true key to happiness is making plans. 
Oh sure, we all make plans but they don't work if you lock them away in the back of your mind. It is in keeping them in the forefront of our everyday lives and sticking to them that determines our happiness.

You need to establish a time line for your goals and dreams and to make changes and rearrange your set schedule if necessary.  Establish a bit of 'wiggle room'  for life's unexpected roadblocks along your way but like a good navigator, stick pretty much to the course you have set for your life. Life shouldn't 'just happen.' It should be part of a well thought out plan that creates happiness for you.

So, the next you read the words, 'what are you doing now' on your favorite social site, use them as a prompt to remember that your happiness depends on making the best possible plans for life.

To live well and healthily it helps to be in synch with yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and I was as out of synch as a body, mind, and soul could get.

Two years ago migraines, heartburn, stomach pains, dizziness, and sleeplessness, were a part of my life. My teeth ached from grinding and jaw clenching and I was suffering from fatigue. I could barely make it through the day.  When my heart began to pound for no reason at all and I felt light-headed, I finally went for help.



I was, as my doctor bluntly put it, a “living disaster”, but thank God, I did not have any major illness or heart problems. What I had, she said, were the very visible and real physical effects of unremitting tension. 

But, when I asked her what I could do about it, the only answer I got was, “Change your lifestyle!” 

She then gave me the name of a holistic yoga instructor.

Wishing the doctor had given me a miracle “feel-better” pill instead, I went to see this person.
After talking with me for about an hour, the yoga teacher told me my spirit was in distress, that my physical self was being  poisoned by the tension I allowed into my life.

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Recently a very good friend was terminated from a position she truly thought was her dream job. Spending long hours, and expending enormous time and energy to do her absolute best for this job was something she didn't mind doing. She was very good at what she did. The reason for the termination was nothing more than a personality conflict with her immediate supervisor who, by the accounts of many co-workers, was a difficult person to work with.

My friend is having a hard time getting over not having the job that she really loved and at which she excelled. Letting go of what occurred and walking away from a closed door is difficult. It is human nature to want to stop and bang on that door in the fierce hope that it will open up again and let us in.

I understand her problem all too well. A similar experience happened to me quite a while ago. I learned a lot from that experience, not only about the vagaries of the world and the unaccountable whims of others, but about myself as well. I realized that the word 'terminated' did not terminate me from life; I wasn't dead, no matter how ominous the word may have sounded. Terminated from a position, yes, incensed and upset for a few months, you bet, but very much alive. Eventually I had to chalk it up to a learning experience and here's what I learned.

I learned to stop knocking on a closed door until my knuckles were bloody.
That door, despite my best efforts, was locked and permanently closed from the other side and no amount of knocking was ever going to make it open again.

I learned to step back and assess what I wanted to do.
I certainly wasn't going to do nothing but feel sorry for myself no matter how tempting that seemed at the time. Knowing I had a goal and a dream was an advantage to my self-esteem. All I had to do was to review what I needed, renew my commitment, and re-plan my path.

I learned not to give power over my life to the very person who had let me go.
Deciding that I was the only one who should have that power was, well, empowering! Understanding this had a tremendous impact on my ability to move on.

I learned to know my worth and appreciate my intelligence.
Making too many compromises in my efforts to be liked at my former job, I had been in danger of becoming someone I didn't like. I vowed to at least be as true to my own ideals in the future as I possibly could be.

I learned to acknowledge that I too had made mistakes.
That was hard because we really don't want to admit that maybe even a small part of what has gone wrong is somehow our own fault. I came to see that the job had been a great learning experience for me. It was a good and solid education in my field so it was definitely not a total loss no matter how it had ended.

I learned that the job really was only a stepping stone for me.
Being truthful with myself, I always knew that I had no intention of staying there for an entire career. Eventually I was going to leave for a better position.

And finally I learned that by not allowing myself to let go and walk away from that closed door, I was sabotaging any chances I had to go on to something else.
That knowledge was priceless. Too often we focus so much on a door that has closed abruptly and unexpectedly in our faces that we don't realize that the world is full of other doors that are open to us. You won't find your happiness demanding that a certain closed and locked door reopen, all you will do is miss seeing alternate avenues of opportunities that are available to you.