| When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity by Kristen Houghton originally published in FAMILY, 2007 Nothing destroys a married relationship more than when a spouse cheats. Many issues are affected in the relationship, the least of which is trust. The self-esteem of the hurt spouse is shattered, the love that binds two people together is permanently maimed, and the idea of continuing to live together in the same house becomes a nightmare. No one can pinpoint any specific reason for cheating except to say that it is not something which “just happens.” There is some planning involved in even the most spontaneous moments. Someone was thinking about being unfaithful. Having a spouse cheat is especially heartbreaking for women. The idea that the man who vowed to love and honor her has been with another woman, can leave a wife lost and overwhelmed with hurt. If there are children in the picture the pain is doubled because of their emotional upheaval. When a man cheats on his wife the results can be devastating and cause a ripple effect of pain and resentment that can last for years. Different lifestyles create different ways of coping with infidelity. Wives who are stay-at-home moms fare less well than those who work outside the home. In the house, where they had assumed that all was well and safe, they are surrounded by the domestic evidence of life with their husbands. Sometimes they don’t want to talk to friends or family members because they feel, wrongly, that they are to blame for their husbands’ cheating. Unlike their contemporaries who work at outside jobs, they may see themselves as unattractive, not sexy, and uninteresting. None of this is true, of course, but shattered self esteem can make it seem so. What should you do when confronted by the fact that your spouse cheated? The best action that can be taken after finding out that a spouse has cheated is no action. Do nothing for forty- eight hours. You are in shock, and shock makes you do irrational things. Let the knowledge settle in and seriously contemplate what your next course of action will be one week from that first day. Give yourself time to understand what has happened. Do not "self-medicate" with alcohol or drugs. This will acerbate the problem and you will definitely not think coherently. If absolutely necessary, go to your doctor, tell her what has happened, and ask for mild sedatives. Be sure that you do not abuse the prescription by doubling up to get rid of the heartache. A lot is on the line here and you need to be alert. Seek counseling for yourself immediately after the first week. As hard as it may be, waiting a week to see a therapist gives you time to begin to deal with what has happened and enables you to be a bit more rational. As time goes on, your spouse may ask that you both attend couples’ counseling. If you agree, fine, but you need crisis help alone first. Couples therapy can come later. Establish what this breach of trust has done to your marriage. If your spouse is sincerely contrite and wants the marriage to continue, decide if that is what you want also. Give yourself time to make the decision. Don't be pressured into an immediate decision for any reason. He is the one who broke the marital trust; he can wait for your answer. Do not go for payback; don’t have an affair just to “get even.” If forgiveness is possible for you, do so. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t make what he did excusable. Learning to trust again will be very difficult, but don’t play the martyr. By all means, let him know the pain he has caused you, but try to work together to rebuild your relationship. Remember, you are the one who is hurting. Give yourself plenty of time to heal. *** Copyright ©2008 Kristen Houghton. All rights reserved. All material on this site was written by Kristen Houghton and may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed, wholly or in any part, without the express written permission of Kristen Houghton Copyright additionally covers all material written by the author under the name CK Houghton Literary Website created by: ©2008 Wordsmith, LLC. Home Page Meet Kristen Book Information Articles Media and Links Calendar Publicity Photos Contact Info |
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